Don't you dare tell me it's my fault.

You know what? I look up to them.
The people who can't handle emotion. The people who walk away if anyone tries to make them open up. The ones you see on TV as poor and miserable because they are not willing to share their emotions with everyone.

That's the way I should have stayed. I should never have opened up to anyone. Then I wouln't be in such a desperate need of a hand to hold on to. Two arms to hold me. Two eyes to cry with me.

'Cause that's what I feel right now. I just need one person here to hold me and cry with me and understand the way I feel. Shit. Yeah, that's what I feel.

I can smile, I can laugh, but I will never in my life be happy. And stop saying that "Of course you will be happy, there is a time for everyone". Well, my time should have come earlier. And it doesn't even matter if I one day will find some peace in this world, with a guy I love. (G-d that seems so distant). Even if I do, I don't deserve to feel this.

And don't tell me it's my own fault. That I am simply hiding in my room, crying, feeling sorry for myself. I chose this for a reason. Because I know myself. I know that I can't deal with the feeling of rejection. It's like I rot inside. I walk around like some sort of shell, something you peel of a fruit. And there's nothing in there - well yeah, I can eat (oh YES I can eat, especially now), I can think, I can study, I can work hard, I can smile, I can have fun.

But I am still a shell most of the time. Because I try so hard not to feel anything. Because what would happen if I actually did feel it all the time? I wouldn't be able to have a life. I wouldn't even fr-akin' see anything through my salty tears...or my poofy eyes for that matter.

And there is no healing process going on. There is nothing. Just nothing.

And then a few times a week, almost always night-time, for some reason, all the anxiety is absorbed by my little shell. And I cry. And I try to make myself cry even more. And it's NOT because I want to feel sorry for myself even more, not entirely because of that anyway. It's because I want it to be over - I want the crying to be over. For G-ds sake, let the crying be over. I can't keep doing this.

Apparently nobody will ever want to spend the rest of his life with me.
That's just not going to happen. And I will certainly not find anyone I want to share my life with
Because if I ever start wanting it.
I'll lose it.

Well, Thank You Dear Lord, for giving me this emotional baggage.
Thank you for thinking; "let's give this girl some muscle instead of happiness" "Let's give her the ability to cry for hours instead of actually being able to hold onto a good guy".
"Let's give her the weird need of having someone sleeping next to her, instead of complete independence" "Let's make her the kind of person who pushes people away so that she will never smile because she actually wants to".

Thank you for thinking just that. For making me into those TV personalities that are hard on the outside. Thank you for making me look up to myself like all of those people.
'Cause that's what makes a person truly happy.