Organisation

I feel that it's karma. I have been judging and hating a lot lately. Maybe it's God's (or SOMEONE'S) way of telling me that I have been bad. Flipping his/her finger on my nose.

This day was sh-t.
I know I should be happy for all the good things I have. I have tried to think about them. But there are just too many things messed up at the same time, it has reached critical mass. I don't care if that makes sense or not, well, apparently I do, since I commented on it, but I'm not gonna do anything about it.

It doesn't matter how much organisation, planning, thouroughness or whatever I put in, I just can't help scr-wing up once in a while. It's such a delicate business, my life, I plan everything in detail, really HARD, to evade any unlucky incidents. And they still happen. Very rarely, yes, but when they do happen, they tend to aggregate.

Sweden lost against Russia. Jollan - World 0 - 1
I got another VISA problem (won't go into details here, too boring, and too angry with them). Jollan - World 0 - 2.
I lost my camera. Jollan - World 0 - 3.
Not to mention that I still don't have a boyfriend, and I feel EXTREMELY lonely. 0 - 57

The camera was it for me. That was the drop. I had a sh-t day already, and then I can't find it. I probably dropped it somewhere random. And it makes me so sad. I lose things very rarely, but I have done a few times.
- My passport a month or so before I critically needed it (it showed up 3 years later in a pair of pants..WHY DID I PUT IT IN MY PANTS??).
- My car key - found it at the counter of Wok in a box. The thing was, I had a car full of people waiting to get back...seriously. Too much stress for me.
- A certain type of ring that I lost THREE TIMES IN THREE DAYS (I kept buying it again) LOST IN THE SAME TYPE OF LOCATION (the bathroom, when washing my hands).
- My favourite hat - forgot it on the bus, never got it back, looked for a similar one for YEARS, found one last year..YEEEY.

And now I've lost my camera. Seriously, I doubt I'll get it back again. Had this happened in Sweden, maybe. But not now. Had I lost it in the Hall, probably would get it back..but nah, I probably lost it on the bus or in the middle of the city.
It's just so annoying when it happens to someone who so carefully tries to think of everything all the time. I do over-think things.. I try sooo hard to do everything right, and what do I get for it? Probably hybris, and the G-ds punish me.

But I want to be happy. I want to have one good night's sleep now and then. I want to feel safe. I want to not have to think about death all the time. I want to feel love for someone. I want to not feel stupid day in and day out in the lab. I want to have friends that I trust. I want to be me and not feel like an outsider. I can't handle being miserable anymore. I deserve happiness...right? Apparently I am a person that doesn't AT ALL deserve to be happy.

But I try so hard to do the right thing. There are so many evil souls out there succeeding AND feeling better about themselves all the time.
And I lose my camera - and start crying? Yeah. Well, not to mention earlier today when I was waiting for the bus - I waited in the wrong place and missed two buses I could have taken. TWO BUSES. ONLY RETARDED PEOPLE MISS BUSES LIKE THAT AFTER HAVING LIVED IN THE SAME CITY FOR ONE AND A HALF YEARS.

I just h-te my situation at the moment. And I shouldn't. Well, I STILL DO. I haven't got my scholar ship yet, so I'm a bit low on cash. I need to get a new medical insurance. The VISA people are arguing with me. Not many people have time to spend time with me because it's exam period. I feel fat. I sprained my knee last week and it's still not good. I probably have to skip my rugby "career". I have feelings for someone who doesn't care for me like that - and it drives me crazy when he sometimes seem to. I h-te not being in control. I miss home - where I know how things work. I miss my family. I miss my friends there.

I guess I hadn't cried in such a long time. Maybe it was time for my camera to get lost /get stolen / vapourise.
I h-te this.
I fr-king h-te this.