Scared

I am so scared.
And not to be disliked. Not to be turned down.
I'm scared that he can see that I like him more than he knew.
I'm soooo freaking scared.

I don't act like a little school girl because he makes me feel insecure.
I know exactly who I am and all that crap that you have trouble with as a little school girl.

But now I act like a little school girl because I don't want him to know. I have always been scared sh-tless that someone will actually see that I can have emotions. That I can be weak. That I can be human.

It has changed quite alot the last couple of years, especially this first half of 2008. I have opened up quite a bit. Telling people. But still, I don't like it. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like it. But I still want it.

It's so hard to be right there in the middle - in limbo. Right in the f-cking purgatory, if you happen to like that expression.

I've been there for quite some time now, for so many years. And it seems that I can never actually step over completely to the other side. Maybe that's good, because I have seen a few people in the initial part of their "opening up" and they do it too quickly, causing slightly annoyed people around them.

And I don't want to bother anyone. I guess that's why I'm writing a blog instead of talking to my friends.